THE POSTMAN
by
Billy Bennett
(Almost a Gentleman)

Three cheers for the postman, the jolly old postman,
With letters for Smith, Brown and Kelly,
A load in his sack, a hump on his back,
And a pain in his Marie Corelli

The soldier sees sights in the battle,
The sailor sees sights in the depths;
But a postman sees sights in the morning
When a fat woman's scrubbing the steps.

At each door I knock, I prepare for a shock
Some slip on an old dressing-gown,
Some slip on a cloak, some slip on a coat,
And some slip on the stairs and come down.

You'll notice I'm wearing two peaks to my hat
It's a new kind of hat they're inventing.
But when folks look at me they can never agree
If I'm going or coming or wenting.

I've delivered at every house in the town,
Barring one house... I've not been there yet.
  Nobody writes there and nobody goes there,
So why should I go?... it's 'To Let'!

These legs that I wear are not my own pair.
Talk of bunions and chilblains, I've got 'em.
Through tramping the street, I've worn out my feet,
These are odd bits turned up at the bottom.

My dad was a postman before me,
My dad was a brave-hearted soul.
My dad was a postman who died at his post-
He was socked by a telegraph pole!

My mother, I'm told, was a telephone girl.
They were married one day in Septumber.
Of children, it's true, they arranged to have two
But mother gave dad the wrong number.

They started with three, and our Family Tree
Began to stretch out like an Isthmus.
They had half-a-score, and they might have had more,
But they stopped posting early for Christmas..

All our family were born with long noses,
And poor mother got in a funk.
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