MY BALLY EYEGLASS
by
Tom Clare

I'm a funny sort of Johnny, I philosophise a lot
And when I think, I think a lot of thoughts.
And when my brain gets addled as the best of brains will do
I know by then I'm feeling 'out of sorts'.
But nothing ever ruffles me, I don't see why it should,
Whatever comes along, I never cry.
The only thing that ever worries me is simply this.
I cannot keep my eyeglass in my eye!

I once was nearly married to a girl from USA
Whose father made his millions out of pork.
She really got quite fond of me and one fine summer's day,
Suggested that we take a little walk.
She asked me, could I love her, I said I didn't know
But later on, perhaps, I'd have a try.
But really, at the moment, it's as much as I can do,
To keep my bally eyeglass in my eye!

I once was very angry with a policeman, don't you know
He actually wanted me to have a fight!
A burly-looking ruffian had got him on the ground
And was knocking him about with all his might!
The policeman cried, "Hi, hi there... help, help he's killing me!"
"Help you?" I said, "I really don't see why,
How the deuce do you expect a chap like me is going to fight,
And keep my bally eyeglass in my eye?"

I'm going to stand for parliament though standing's an awful pain,
Though they say if I don't stand, I'll never sit.
Of course, I'm for protection, though I don't know what it means
But they say I look like Chamberlain, a bit!
You see the likeness, don't you? It's remarkable I'm told
And I'm going to call on Austin, bye and bye.
Though there's not much he can show me but one thing I'd like to know...
How he keeps his bally eyeglass in his eye!