by Mal Brown Beware the Ides Here's a tale for you lovers of drama And all of you students of history Concerning that geezer Called Julius Caesar And Brutus, the soldier of mystery. Brutus was fighting for honour And wearing his armour with pride. Caesar, the rat, (a big one at that) Was there seeing Brutus's bride. One night in the bed full of passion, Where Caesar and her had their parties, Caesar stopped dead, 'What's rattling?' he said. To which she said, 'Brutus's Smarties. He keeps them right here in the pillow; There's only me knows that they're there.' He said, 'And me. I'll have two or three; He won't notice. There's thousands to spare.' Brutus returned from the battle To be showered with honour and kisses. He took his reward Then hung up his sword And galloped off home to his missus. He ate a good meal at the villa Then stripped off his clothes for romance. It came as a blow When his missus said, 'No,' Rejecting his amorous advance. He spotted the toga of Caesar He'd left there the previous day. The denarius dropped; His brain fairly popped, His jaw hanging loose in dismay. He took out his Smarties to count them, Laying them out in a line. With ten of them missing, Brutus stood hissing, 'Caesar, you bastard, you swine.' Brutus went off to the Forum To meet up with Caesar, the lout. Him and his mates All sat down to wait For Caesar, the swine, to come out. When he came out they jumped on him And gave him a taste of cold steel. He stuck in the knife Saying: 'That's for my wife.' Caesar went down with a squeal. Caesar the bleeder lay bleeding Bloody red blood everywhere. 'My wife's up the chute.' Said Brutus, 'you brute.' Caesar's reply was just 'Errgh!' 'Errgh nothing! You've eaten my Smarties,' Said Brutus and stabbed him again. He replied, 'Et tu Brute.' 'No chance my old beauty,' Said Brutus. 'You had at least ten.'
The end