BEWARE THE IDES
by
Mal Brown



Here’s a tale for you lovers of drama
And all of you students of history
Concerning that geezer
Called Julius Caesar
And Brutus, the soldier of mystery.

Brutus was fighting for honour
And wearing his armour with pride.
Caesar, the rat,
(a big one at that)
Was there seeing Brutus’s bride.

One night in the bed full of passion,
Where Caesar and her had their parties,
Caesar stopped dead,
“What’s rattling?” he said.
To which she said, “Brutus’s Smarties.

He keeps them right here in the pillow;
There’s only me knows that they’re there.”
He said, “And me.
I’ll have two or three;
He won’t notice. There’s thousands to spare.”

Brutus returned from the battle
To be showered with honour and kisses.
He took his reward
Then hung up his sword
And galloped off home to his missus.

He ate a good meal at the villa
Then stripped off his clothes for romance.
It came as a blow
When his missus said, “No,”
Rejecting his amorous advance.

He spotted the toga of Caesar
He’d left there the previous day.
The denarius dropped;
His brain fairly popped,
His jaw hanging loose in dismay.

He took out his Smarties to count them,
Laying them out in a line.
With ten of them missing,
Brutus stood hissing,
“Caesar, you bastard, you swine.”

Brutus went off to the Forum
To meet up with Caesar, the lout.
Him and his mates
All sat down to wait
For Caesar, the swine, to come out.

When he came out they jumped on him
And gave him a taste of cold steel.
He stuck in the knife
Saying: “That’s for my wife.”
Caesar went down with a squeal.

Caesar the bleeder lay bleeding
Bloody red blood everywhere.
“My wife’s up the chute.”
Said Brutus, “you brute.”
Caesar’s reply was just “Errgh!”

“Errgh nothing! You’ve eaten my Smarties,”
Said Brutus and stabbed him again.
He replied, “Et tu Brute.”
“No chance my old beauty,”
Said Brutus. “You had at least ten.”