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It should be pointed out that throughout this piece whenever there has been any conflict between truth and merriment... truth loses.
Other errors of exactitude are doubtless due to the abysmal ignorance of the author or in some cases to the fact that to utter the truth might well lead to the hasty issuing of writs by many of the protagonists. Do not let my ignorance trouble you. The ignorance of those who composed the subject matter of this sorry little tale never bothered them, though I suspect some of us may well live to regret it. As a further safeguard against legal difficulties of an unaffordable nature I would be most grateful if the audience would chant the word "allegedly" at the end of each stanza.
And so. with grovelling apologies to Stanley Holloway I shall commence this tragic tale.

THE TRAGIC TALE OF
THE TREATY OF MAASTRICHT

by
ŠJohn Gifford

I'll tell thee of treaty of Maastricht,
As were signed 'cos Jaques Delors said "Do it."
By a right bunch of wazzocks who never once thought,
It would first bugger Europe then screw it.

T'was conceived to bring people together,
"One Nation" and stuff of that class,
But whoever thought us and the frogs could be mates,
Has been smoking some very good grass.

For no sooner were striped suits assembled,
With one grey one they say serves us right,
Than they started to bicker like starlings in heat,
Or starlets on casting couch night.

They argued the shape of the table,
Should they sit, kneel, lie, stand up or squat,
They decided to lie, as political folk,
They'd practised at that quite a lot.

But where each one ought to be sitting,
And who should be chairman, no hope,
Left to me I'd of settled the whole thing right smart,
With three fathoms of good hempen rope.

They were puzzled about all the mountains they had,
Of butter, cheese, cereals and meat,
For they very well knew that throughout the whole world,
Everybody had plenty to eat.

That's still got then worried and so has the lake,
I believe to be topped up with vino,
Is it quite out of order to gently suggest,
We should all have a bloody good beano?

The Danes were quite doubtful about it and said,
"There's no rape and pillage in this,
Those who think Vikings will stand for such crap,
Must surely be taking the piss."

"T'will be settled with a referendum." they said,
"A very good idea Indeed,"
Said the leading Viking, "If ones not enough,
Get a couple and happen they'll breed."

And it's because of that Maastricht Treaty,
As were signed by those dickheads that night,
That in England today you can do as you please,
If Jaques Delors says it's all right.

 
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