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| KING ALFRED AND THE CAKES by Gordon Kerr Smith  In days long gone by, in Old England, Before t' Norman Conquest and that, The Saxons and Danes were t' joint owners, But fought at the drop of an 'at. All t' North were in t' 'ands of the Norsemen; They was red'eads, ferocious and bold, And kept tryin' to kick out the Saxons, To move further South out of t' cold. The Saxons was dark, short and swarthy, And 'ad took over t' South Coast Resorts, Where they ran boardin' 'ouses and chip shops, Protected by stout Saxon forts. The Danes started fightin' wi' t' Saxons, And were tryin' to pinch tourist trade, 'cos in t' North, Danes only 'ad Blackpool, Which were useless, as t' Tower weren't yet made. So, year in, year out, there was scrappin'. And all t' tourists was stoppin' away, They was sick of the fightin'- they could get that at 'ome They just wanted Bingo to play. King Alfred was t' leader of Saxons, When the Danes looked as though they would win. 'Is troops was all proper despondent, And just about set to give in. The latest attack 'ad 'em reelin', For t' Danes 'ad a manner most 'arsh, So poor Alfred's forces was scattered, And 'e 'id in a cottage on t' marsh. For weeks Alfred 'ad to stay 'idden. Wi' no plans for counter-attack, Till one day t'ould dear who owned t'cottage Said, "Watch cakes, lad, till I get back." She' made a rich mix for some sponge cakes, Wi' flour, bakin' powder and marge. Then, poppin' 'em into the oven. Went shoppin' and left Alf in charge. The instructions she left was explicit:- At five minutes, turn the 'eat down. And take all t' cakes out of the oven The moment they turn golden-brown. But Alf were engrossed with 'is problems, And t' cakes went right out of 'is 'ead. By t' time Granny came back from shoppin' 'Er sponge cakes was rock cakes instead. Not knowin' that t' lad was a monarch, She boxed Alfred's ears for neglect; But just then a brainwave 'it Alfred 'Owt' cakes, Danes defeat might effect. 'E took Gran into 'is con-fi-dence, And to 'is bold plan she agreed. And so they bought tons of self-raisin', To bake with all possible speed. When thousands of rock cakes was ready, Wi' concrete to strengthen the blend, Alf sent 'em to t' Danes Quartermaster, Marked, "One each, all round. From a Friend". The Danes was all tired of camp cookin', They was fed up wi' fortneet-owld stew, So they welcomed this change to their diet, And at t' NAAFI van formed a long queue. Each Dane 'ad a cake issued to 'im, And back to the ranks 'ad to run, Where t' sergeants directed the munchin', Shoutin' "Eatin' cakes - by numbers - ONE!" As ordered, all t' soldiers bit rock cakes. Their gobblers was shattered on t' spot! Wi't' pain in their gums they was 'elpless, And 'opped about 'owlin' a lot! Outside t' Danish camp, Alf were ready, Wi' new Saxon Army, - quite large, And soon as 'e 'eard the Danes squealin' 'E 'ollered the order to 'CHARGE!' By toothache quite horsey dee-combat, The Danes couldn't put up much fight, So Alfred's lads won t' battle easy, And quickly put Norsemen to flight. Thus Alfred saved England from peril, And t' Saxons from comin' to grief. But next time you're offered a sponge cake, Make sure you've a spare set of teeth! |
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