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Anonymous
 
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This is a little story I heard, just the once, on the radio back in the early 1970s. I've absolutely no idea of the author or performer but I loved this tale of the early days of North Sea oil exploration.
Peter Farenden.
 
THE HOILY RIGS
(Anon)

Submitted byPeter Farenden

Now the fishing were bad, and me boat laid up,
Now, me and the lad weren't shirkers;
When this bloke come into the village pub
And he says he's looking for workers.
He talked like a bit of a Yank, I thought,
Tho' he stood us a couple or three;
And he sez they're building a hoily rig,
To get hoil out of the sea.

"How much would we earn?" I ventured to ask?
"Ooh, twenty - thirty pounds for sure."
"Is that a month?" He only laughed,
"A week!... eh, maybe more!"
So I went home and told the missus this yarn
For I'd heard such tales before
And I couldn't see what good could come
From digging these holes offshore.

I'd rather work the boat wi' me boy
But t'ol' woman, she sits and frets,
"Sez you could earn more money there in a month
Than whole bloody year wi' yer nets!"
So anyways, we took the job,
Me and the lad, we're in the tug:
And I couldn't see much harm could come,
't'were it only some beer in me mug.

We worked on this great platform thing
With this drill going, "Whee- whee- whee!"
As it drilled a bloody great big hole
In the bottom of the ol' North Sea.
But there weren't no gas, and there weren't no hoil,
Not a sight nor a trace we found
'Til one day my lad he says to me,
"Ere, Dad, our tug's aground!"

As I looked over t'side, well, what could I hear,
But this sound, "GLUG, GLUG, GLUG, GLUG."
And the old North Sea just swirling away
Like out of a bathroom plug!
It looked just like a desert, boy,
Enough to make a man afraid
As the ol' North Sea went, "GLUG, GLUG, GLUG."
Down this bloody great hole we'd made.

Then a hiss... and a roar... and a cloud of steam
From out of the hole it came
Then up popped the head of the Devil himself,
Shouting, "What's the bloody game?
You've put out all my furnaces,
You've put me fires out!
And Hell's all cold and sopping wet...
You pudding-headed lout!

You've wrecked my ruddy furnaces,
Cooled down me bloody hobs!
I'll never get Hell hot again, I've lost my ruddy job!"
So we've done some good with our hoily rig,
We doused Hell in a hurry.
So now, when you die, there's only Heaven...
There's no more need to worry.

 
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