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Anonymous
 
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PIDDLIN' PETE
Anon

Arranged & performed by
Leslie Sarony

A famous dog once came to town
Known to his friends as Pete
His pedigree was ten yards long
His looks were hard to beat

And as he trotted down the road
'twas beautiful to see
His work at every corner
Every post and every tree

He never missed a land mark
He never missed a post
For piddling was his masterpiece
And piddling pleased him most

The city dogs stood looking on
In deep and jealous rage
To see this little country dog
The piddler of his age

They smelt his efforts one by one
They smelt him two by two
But noble Pete in high disdain
Stood still 'til they were through

Then when they'd smelt him everywhere
The praise for him ran high
But when one smelt him underneath
Pete piddled in his eye

Just then to show these city dogs
He didn't care a damn
He strolled into the grocers shop
And piddled on the ham

He piddled on the cornflakes
He piddled on the floor
And when the grocer threw him out
He piddled up the door

Behind him all the city dogs
Debated what to do
They'd hold a piddling carnival
The hoop they'd put him through

They showed him all the piddling posts
They knew about the town
And off they set with many a wink
To wear the stranger down

But Pete was with them all the way
With vigour and with vim
A thousand piddles more or less
Were all the same to him

And on and on went noble Pete
As tireless as a windmill
And very soon those city dogs
Were piddled to a standstill

Then Pete an exhibition gave
Of all the ways to piddle
With double drips and fancy flips
And now and then a dribble

The city dogs said farewell Pete
Your piddling did defeat us
But no one ever put them wise
That Pete... had diabetes.

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Thanks to John Mehlberg for this older version, taken from a 1927 book
entitled ' IMMORTALIA '

RUNT
(anonymous)

A farmer's dog came into town,
His Christian name was Runt,
A noble pedigree had he.
"Noblesse Oblige'' his stunt;
And as he trotted down the street
'Twas beautiful to see
His work on eyery corner,
His work on every tree.
He watered every gateway, too
And never missed a post,
For piddling was his specialty,
And piddling, was his boast.
The city-curs looked on amazed
With deep and,jealous rage,
To see a simple country dog
The piddler of his age.
Then all the dogs from everywhere
Were summoned by a yell
To sniff the country stranger o'er
And judge him by his smell.
Some thought that he a king, might be
Beneath his tail a rose,
So every city dog drew near
And sniffed it up his nose.
They smelled him over one by one,
They smelled him two by two,
And noble Runt in high disdain
Stood still till they were through,
Then just to show the whole shebang
He didn't give a damn
He trotted to the grocery store
And piddled on a ham.
He piddled on a mackerel keg,
He piddled on the floor,
And when the grocer kicked him out,
He piddled through the door,
Behind him all the city dogs
Lined up with instinct true
To start a piddling carnival
And see the stranger through.
They showed him every piddling post
They had in all the town
And started in with many a wink
To pee the stranger down.
They sent for champion piddlers
Who were always on the go,
Who sometimes did a piddle stunt
Or gave a piddling show...
They sprung those on him suddenly
When midway in the town
Runt only smiled and polished off
The ablest, white and brown,
For Runt was with them every trick
With vigor and with vim
A thousand piddlers more or less
Were all the same to him.
So he was wetting merrily
With hind leg kicking high
When most were hoisting legs in bluff
And piddling mighty dry.
Then on and on Runt sought new ground
By piles of scrap and rust,
Till every city dog went dry.
And only piddled dust.
But on and on went noble Runt,
As wet as any rill,
And all the champion city pups
Were peed to a standstill,
Then Runt did freehand piddling
With fancy flirts and frills,
Like "double dip" and "gimlet twist"
And all those graceful things.
And all the time this country dog
Did never wink nor grin,
But piddled blithely out of town
As he had piddled in.
The city dogs convention held
To ask: "What did defeat us?"
But no one ever put them wise
That Runt had Diabetes.

 
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