by Bernard Wrigley Billy Bennett If Owd Teddy Giles had gone in for a trophy 'Twould have been for the best boozer's cup His wife could have gone for the frussbudget's medal She spent all her time cleaning up. That day she's spring cleaning upstairs and down When she thought to herself 'Silly moo' For she'd run right out of the high powered stuff That cleans round the howl in the loo. You're always without when it's half day closing So Martha nipped into Ted's shed Pinched some thinners where the lad kept his brushes And poured the spirits down the lavvy instead. Just then the phone rang - it was Madge yet again The local chief gossip and bore So intent were the women that Martha never heard Her Teddy come in the front door. He shot to the bathroom, scorch marks on the stairs His afternoon hadn't been fun He'd almost disgraced himself waiting for the bus And had had to walk home, clenching his bum. At last he relaxed as he sat on the cludgie And he laughed to himself at the joke Then he fished out his matches, baccy and pipe And proceeded to have him a smoke. He'd just put the still-lighted match down the bog - When he thought that someone had shot him With a blinding flash, a big bang and a crash The world had dropped out of his bottom He lay in the rubble, bent over double With the toilet seat wrapped round his knees Shouting "Martha, theres been a commotion in t' cludgie That's the last time we have mushy peas" The ambulance men got him stretchered With his bum sticking up in the air He told 'em what happened - they laughed till they shook And they dropped Teddy right down the stairs. He made the front page of the paper Which he read from his hospital bed "MAN ATTEMPTS ORBIT FROM LAVATORY GETS TWO COMPOUND FRACTURES INSTEAD. So if you burn your bum just like Teddy Take heed of this moral I beg Don't tell t'paramedics how you did it Coz they broke his arm and his leg. The neighbours still talk about Teddy And some think they're being quite smart When they think on that awful explosion And say, "Now thats' what I call a fart!!!"
The end