ALL TO SPECIFICATION
by
Robert Rutherford & Frank Wilcock (1939)
Performed by Arthur Askey



For months and months I searched both near and far,
To find a house – you know how scarce they are:
But glory be, I got one t’other day,
I bought it from an agent who was giving it away:
Five thousand pounds – that’s all, just as it stands –
Two bedrooms and a place to wash your hands.

It’s a lovely little villa and we’ve christened it ‘The Shack’ –
And it’s - all to specification:
When we go out we always hope it’s there when we get back - all to specification.
The station is two minutes walk I heard the Agent tell,
I missed the train first morning and I found out very well –
It’s half an hour at least and then you’ve got to run like Hell –
And it’s - all to specification!

I noticed we’d a most unpleasant smell:
I sent off for the builder, Mr. Snell
I asked ‘Is it the Drains?’ He rubbed his chin:
He said ‘It can’t be drains ‘cos I forgot to put them in.’
Said he ‘That’s rather awkward for you, isn’t it, but still –
To make it right I’ll knock you three-and-ninepence off the bill.’
It’s a lovely little villa and we have a lot of fun –
And it’s - all to specification:

It’s nice to sit and hear them eat their soup next door but one - all to specification:
The bathroom’s rather small but it has all that we require,
The plug hole’s always bunged up so I poke it with a wire:
We’ve got two taps but that which says ‘hot water’ is a liar –
And it’s - all to specification!

The small repairs I do myself of course:
I’ve sawn the tops and bottoms off the doors:
They used to stick but now they shut all right –
But what a draught – it blew the missus out of bed last night:
The roof let water in at first, it really made me wince,
But it got blown off last Thursday and we’ve never seen it since.
It’s a lovely little villa and its called ‘The Shack’ you see –
And it’s - all to specification!

It should be called ‘The Ruins’ ‘cos it’s darned well ruined me - all to specification!
Our garden’s like the wilderness where Israelites were led,
I told the wife I’d buy some sheep and in reply she said –
‘The place is always flooded, you should buy some swans instead!’
And it’s - all to specification!

The gable-end fell down today and messed things up a bit,
A bricklayer came round – he said, ‘I know the cause of it –
Them bricks ain’t got no mortar on – they’ve stuck ‘em up with spit!’
There’s no place like home, and it’s - all to specification!

THAT'S ALL PLAYMATES!