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ERNIE
He Drove the Fastest Milkman in the West
by
Benny Hill


Benny Hill


You could hear the hoofbeats pound
As they raced across the ground
And the clatter of the wheels
As they spun round and round
And he galloped into Market Street,
His badge upon his chest
His name was Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west.

Now Ernie loved a widow,
A lady known as Sue
She lived all alone in Lily Lane
At number twenty-two
They said she was too good for him,
She was haughty, proud and chic
But Ernie got his cocoa there
Tthree times every week
They called him Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

She said she'd like to bathe in milk,
He said, "All right, sweetheart."
And when he finished work one night
He loaded up the cart
He asked if she wanted pasteurised,
'Cos pasteurised is best
She says, "Ernie I'll be happy
If it comes up to me chest."
That tickled old Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west.

Now Ernie had a rival,
An evil-looking man
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington
And he drove the baker's van
He tempted her with his treacle tarts
And his tasty wholemeal bread
And when she saw the size of his hot meat pies
It very nearly turned her head

She nearly swooned at his macaroons
And he said, "Now if you treat me right
You'll have hot rolls every morning,
And crumpets every night.
He knew once she sampled his layer cake
He'd have his wicked way
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day
Poor Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west.

One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse
And cart outside her door
It drove him mad to find it was still there
At half past four
And as he leapt down from his van hot blood
Through his veins did course
And he went across to Ernie's cart
And he didn't half kick his horse
Whose name was Trigger
And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west.

Now Ernie rushed out into the street,
His gold-top in his hand
He said, "If you wanna marry Susie
You fight for her like a man!"
"Oh why don't we play cards for her?"
He sneeringly replied
"And just to make it interesting
We'll have a shilling on the side."

Now Ernie dragged him from his van
And beneath the blazing sun
They stood there face to face,
And Ted went for his bun
But Ernie was too quick for him,
Things didn't go the way Ted planned
And a strawberry flavoured yoghurt
Sent it spinning from his hand.

Now Sue she ran between them,
And tried to keep them apart
But Ernie pushed her aside and a rock cake
Caught him underneath his heart
As he looked up in pained surprise,
At the concrete-hardened crust
A stale pork pie caught him in the eye
And Ernie bit the dust.
Poor Ernie ("Ernie!")
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west.

Ernie was only fifty-two,
He didn't want to die
And now he's gone to make deliveries
In that milkround in the sky
Where the customers are angels
And ferocious dogs are banned
And a milkman's life is full of fun
In that fairy dairy land

But a woman's needs are many-fold,
And Sue, she married Ted.
But strange things happened on their wedding night
As they lay in their bed.

Was that the trees a-rustling,
Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie's ghostly gold-tops
A-rattling in their crate?
They won't forget Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west!

 
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