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MY BROTHER
by
Terry Scott


Phorr, there’s something funny round ‘ere. What is it?
Oh, it’s you... come ‘ere and sit down.
You’re gonna ‘ave the truth told about you and put on record.
‘Ere, please do not sit too close to me, I’ve just ‘ad my breakfast, thank you.

Who put salt in the sugar bowl? Who put fireworks in the coal?
Who put a real live toad-in-the-’ole? My brother!
Who put jam in mother’s shoe? Who made real caterpillar stew?
Who locked Grandad in the loo?... My brother!

My brother said it wasn’t he, who put shampoo in Grandma’s tea
My brother said that it was me – my brother’s rotten.
Who squeezed toothpaste round the hall? Who put soot in the baby’s ball?
Who drew things on the garden wall?... My brother!

You wanna see what he drew. Phorr, what a surprise.
Nobody knew what it was really, but everybody ‘ad a jolly good idea.
An’ ‘e wrote slogans. “Down with young mothers”, that was one.
‘Cos ‘e don’t think my mum knows ‘ow to brings us up right... I don’t think so either.
You know, every night when we’re wide awake, she makes us go to bed.
And then in the morning when we’re fast asleep, she makes us get up.

Whose pet mouse made Auntie shriek? Who ate glue and couldn’t speak?
What clever dick was sick for a week? My brother!
Who keeps maggots in a tin? Plays the twist on ‘is violin?
Who’s been gettin’ at the gin?... My brother!

He looks just like a chimney sweep, but dirt, they say, is just skin deep.
I know he’s good when he’s asleep. But you don’t know what he’s dreamin’ about do ya?
Who wouldn’t mind if I ride his bike? Who let’s me shoot his gun if I like?
Who says I’m best at - football, ludo, snakes & ladders, ‘ide & seek,
Chasin’ each other up an’ down the garden, pinching little girls up the ‘igh street.
Well, he’s gotta say I’m best, ‘cos I’m bigger than ‘e is An’ if ‘e don’t say I’m best at everything...
I’ll bash ‘im. Ha Ha. My lovely, lovely brother.

Come on, come on mate, let’s get you out of ‘ere before you fall down the ‘ole in the middle.
Come on, give us yer ‘and, we’re gonna walk …..
‘Ere, ‘ere, what ‘ave you ‘ad in yer ‘and?...
‘Ave yer? Phorr!!

 
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