'EREWARD THE WAKE
by
G.H. Goodwin



William the Conqueror 'ad just warmed up throne
And were relaxin' 'is old tired feet
When one of 'is serfs brought the news
There was another feller to beat

"By 'eck" said Bill "Wot a to-do,
I've just finished seein' 'Arold out
Now when I'm busy writin' me Doomsday book
You tell me of another English lout"

'"E's not a lout" said cringin' serf
Bein' careful to bend 'is knee
"It's a feller by the name of 'Ereward
'Oo thinks 'e should be King, not thee."

"E's been 'idin' among all t'bogs
Just waitin' for 'is chance,
'E's got an army with 'im an' all
An' they're not dressed up for a dance"

"Y'know wot these English are like
Never 'appy unless there's a fight
They've never really forgiven thee
For puttin' 'Arold to flight"

Then into t'palace came 'Ereward
'Oo strode in all alone
"Phew!" said William "That bog where you live
Isn't exactly eau-de-cologne"

'Wot does thee mean?" asked 'Ereward
Stung by William's comment
"I've not come 'ere to be insulted
By me army I've been sent"

"I'm not surprised" answered William
"An' I don't mean to be 'arsh
But if I were thy army I'd lose thee
'Cos thy's lived too long in that marsh"

"I'll tell thee summat an' don't get mad
I think thy friends are too polite to tell
But if I were thee I'd change me abode
An' thy might 'ave a bath as well"

"Thy's got a certain air about thee
Which isn't kingly, but don't get me wrong
I'll be willin' to fight thee anytime
If thy'll get rid of that pong"

'Ereward stood there fair dumbstruck
'E 'd been told things 'e never knew
Of course if you've lived in a bog for years
You find your friends are few.

'E went where 'is army was waitin'
And knew 'e'd 'ave to face their wrath
'We'll 'ave to postpone t'battle" 'e said
"Until I've scrubbed meself in a bath"

English couldn't believe their ears
An' all of 'em started to jeer
"We don't mind fightin' wi' thee" said one
"So long as you don't get too near"

Then an Irishman 'oo'd joined 'cos 'e liked a fight
Raised 'is fist uppard to shake
"Bejabers! Begorrah! 'e said, Irish like
"We should call 'im 'Ereward the Wake"

'"Ereward the Wake?" asked some English
'Oo'd never 'eard an Irishman speak
"Wot 'e means" said one 'oo'd travelled
"Is that we should call 'im 'Ereward the Weak"

"That's right" said this Irish feller '
"Ereward the Wake that's 'is name
'Ere's me come all the way from Ireland
An 'e won't blow t'whistle to start game"

"Right!" said 'Ereward "Let's go an' fight
An' when I've finished I'll give thee games
I'm not 'avin' any Irishman comin' 'ere .
Makin' fun an' callin' me names"

So 'Ereward 'ad 'is battle an' lost
And you'll find this 'ard to take
Because an Irishman couldn't talk proper'
'E's been known since as 'Ereward the Wake.