THE RETREAT FROM MOSCOW
according to
Albert 'Igginbottom
(G.H. Goodwin)

ILLUSTRATION BY JIM GEOFF

When Napoleon were Emperor of t'French '
'E were Lord of all 'e surveyed
'E'd beaten everyone as far as 'e knew
And them that were left were afraid.

"I'm gettin' bored" 'e said to 'is wife '
"Sittin' 'ere with nowt to do
I'll 'ave to get me Grand Army together
An' march off to see wot's new".

"That's a fine thing" said Josephine, 'is wife
"I'd 'ave thought tha were dead beat
Wot wi' fightin' an' marchin' an' all that
Tha should be glad to rest your feet".

"An' wot's wrong wi' me waitin' 'ere?
Thy face must be made of brass,
Comin' an' goin' just as yer please
I think tha 'as another lass".'

"Nay don't talk daft" said Napoleon
"Fancy sayin' that about me
I've always been faithful 'aven't I?
At least when I'm 'ome with thee".

"You're always out" said Josephine
"Leavin' me 'ere on me own
I sit 'ere waitin' for hours
For thee to ring me on t'phone".

"Give me me boots" said Napoleon
"I'm not stayin' 'ere to be nagged
I can't always be ringin' thee up
After a battle, I'm fagged".

"I'll 'ave a go at Russia
She's the one I've yet to beat".
"Don't go there" said Josephine
"It's winter an' you'll get cold feet".

"That's the clever bit" said Napoleon
"It's time to land t'decisive blow
I reckon by this time next week
I'll be warmin' me feet in Moscow".

So off 'e went with 'is army
An' advanced through t'muck an' t'snow
An' just as 'e'd promised a week before
Finished up wi' cold feet in Moscow.

"Get t'fire goin'" 'e ordered sharply
"Me feet are nigh frozen through
I 'aven't come all this way for nowt
I've got Josephine comin' to view".

"We can't light a fire" said a General
"Russians 'ave left nowt to burn
They took t'lot when we chased 'em
An' I think it's time to return".

"We can't do that" said Napoleon
"Just think wot people might say
We'll be.t'laughin' stock of t'world
Besides, Josephine's comin' up for t'day".

"That's a daft thing to do" replied t'General,
"There's nowt 'ere that'll suit
When she sees wot t'place looks like
She'll likely give thee the boot".

"Where is everybody?" asked Josephine
When she arrived in Moscow's Red Square
"Where's t'beach an' t'candy floss
An' all the fun of the fair?"

"There's nowt like that 'ere lass"
Said Napoleon, "It's not a seaside resort
I've come 'ere to fight t'Russians
Not to let thee 'old court".

"I'm off back 'ome" said Josephine
"There's nowt 'ere for me
An' wot I've seen of this place
Russians 'ave left even less for thee".

"We'd better go back" said Napoleon
After Josephine 'ad departed
"Call all t'lads an' tell 'em
It'll stop 'em gettin' down 'earted.

So t'retreat from Moscow began
With Napoleon leadin' the way
Wot wi' Russians, weather, an' cold feet
'E felt it wasn't 'is day.

When 'e arrived back in Paris
With 'is feet all frozen an' red
"You're not sleepin' 'ere" said Josephine
"Puttin' them cold things in my bed".

Which brings me to t'point of the story
It's a thing wot wants puttin' right
It wasn't Napoleon 'oo made that remark
But Josephine 'oo said "Not tonight!".