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THE
ONE-EYED TICKET CHECKER
by
Tony Darke
(
with apologies to The One Eyed Yellow Idol
)
There's a one eyed ticket checker, Northern exit, Waterloo
She's got a little spot upon her nose.
She's hairy and she's dumpy and her name is "Shorthouse Sue"
But my love for her just grows and grows.
She's known as Shorthouse Sue by the crew at Waterloo
She's shorter than a midget in a pit.
But they all love her so, the reason, don't you know
Is up against you, where her face does fit.
I was passing through her gate, just this morning, half past eight.
When I thought I'd chance my arm and ask her out.
As she punched my day return, for her company I did yearn.
Would she say yes? or would I get a clout?
I blurted "darling Sue, please don't make me blue"
"Come with me on a journey of delight"
"I'll take you very soon to Eddie's greasy spoon"
She looked at me and mumbled "yer, alright"
I thought I'd go beserk as I stumbled off to work.
I vowed I'd take her out that very noon,
For a plate of chips and beans, the limit of my means
At mucky Eddie's grubby greasy spoon.
As I sped to her that lunch, I didn't have a hunch
That soon my life would be so torn apart.
She was snogging Bill McGuiver, an intercity driver
The sight of it fairly broke my heart.
There's a one eyed ticket checker, northern exit, Waterloo
Who broke my heart without any fuss
But I don't see her now, the nasty little cow
'Cos to get to work I go by flippin' bus.
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Roy
Castle, Les Dawson
and Thora Hird are
amongst the stars
reading this collection of classic Mariott Edgar
monologues. |
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