SAM SMALL AND RUDYARD KIPLING
by
Paul Gerard Smith
performed by Pat O'Malley (The Lancashire Lad)

Now Mr. Roodyard Kipling wrote a lot of famous pomes
Of sojers'oo 'ad 'eard their country's call,
But of all the men in India 'oo 'ad left their 'appy 'omes
The one 'e overlooked was Samuel Small.

You can talk of Gungha Din till the cows come romping in
And 'ang Danny Deever seven times a day,
But the stubbornest of all was our old friend Samuel Small
'Oo was last seen on the Road to Mandalay.

Now, Sam joined the Army when 'e was a tyke,
'E was gawky and clumsy and slim,
And the Sergeant to Sam took an instant dislike,
And Sam learned about Sergeants from 'im.

On discipline Sergeant was somewhat a nut
And 'e started on Sam right away;
"When I speak, my good man, there's no if, and, or but
When I command, you obey."

Sam nodded. "You'd better obey me, my lad,"
Said Sergeant, "Or I'll see you 'ung."
And Sam, being dumb and a little bit mad,
Made a raspberry noise with 'is tongue.

The Sergeant spoke up, with 'is neck turning red,
In a voice that would wither a tree:
"If that's 'ow you feel, my good fellow," 'e said,
"Fall in, forward march, follow me."

'E marched Sam away from the camp to the coast
Until Sam's feet was dying of grief,
And 'e said, "You're on guard, Sam, and this is your post.
You will march till I send you relief."

Sam nodded 'is 'ead and the Sergeant was gone,
'E shouldered 'is musket and then
'E started in marching from 'ither to yon,
Then marched back to 'ither again.

It was Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, moving to and fro again
Left foot right foot, sojers must obey
Boots, boots, boots, boots, steady 'ere we go again
Marching up and down upon the road to Mandalay.

When the Sergeant got back 'e found camp in a roar.
"What was it?" 'e wanted to know,
And 'e found that somebody 'ad started a war
And 'is troop 'ad been summoned to go.

'E inspected 'is men and 'e found them okay
With their muskets, equipment and all,
And they boarded a steamer and 'urried away
Completely forgetting Sam Small.

When the war 'ad been going on three years or so
A Hindu out riding a camel
Saw a man on the seashore who walked to and fro,
And, lo and behold, it was Sam!

"How do you do," said the Hindu to Sam,
Sam nodded and said, "Howdy, Chief."
"Are you tired?" said the Hindu. Said Samuel, "I am,
Why don't they send my relief?"

Said the Hindu, "My man, the whole Army is gone,
It's been fighting a war for two years."
Said Sam, "Very well, cheerio, carry on,
I'll walk till the Sergeant appears."

So Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam started to and fro again
Left foot right foot, sojers must obey
Boots, boots, boots, boots, steady 'ere we go again
Marching up and down upon the road to Mandalay.

And after the war when the treaty was signed
And the Army returned to the East,
It appeared that Sam's Sergeant 'ad been left be'ind,
For a Sergeant's no good when deceased.

And the others found Sam with 'is musket in 'and
And a faraway gleam in 'is eye
Walking forward and back in a track in the sand,
And of course they inquired of 'im, "Why?"

"Sergeant told me to do this," Sam sadly replied,
"And 'e's 'oo I take orders from."
" 'E'd be back," said the others, "if 'e 'adn't died,
But 'e's dead; we're afraid 'e can't come."

"Very well," answered Sam, "I've been gravely deceived,
I can't stand 'ere talking all day
Sergeant told me to walk 'ere till I was relieved
I'm a sojer, and sojers obey."

They sent for the Captain and Major as well
They sent for the General too,
But Sam merely snorted and said, "Go to Hell,
I'm not taking orders from you.

"The Sergeant said walk until 'e sent relief
Till 'e comes I'm not going to stir."
So the General told the Commander in Chief,
And 'e told the Prime Minister.

The Minister pleaded, his eyes filled with tears,
Sam said, "I am sorry, old thing,
I intend to remain till the Sergeant appears."
So the Minister sent for the King.

"Well, Sam," said 'is Majesty, "Wot's this I've 'eard?
What is this pedestrian stuff?
You've been marching for years; come Sam, don't be absurd,
Don't you think that enough is enough?"

Then Sam said, "Your Majesty, you'll understand,
I'm a Briton, I'm funny that way,
I am walking my post at my Sergeant's command
I'm a sojer, and sojers obey."

The King shrugged 'is shoulders and whispered, "Amen!
You've got a long walk, I'm afraid,
If you wait for your Sergeant to show up again.
But that's 'ow we British are made."

So Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam started to and fro again,
Left foot right foot there 'e is today,
Foot, foot, foot, foot, sloggin' over India
Waiting for 'is Sergeant on the road to Mandalay.