by Peter Bamford The emperor Trajan in one seventeen As the bloke to succeed nominates Publius Aelius Hadrianus, Or 'Adie as known to 'is mates. Well Hadrian as 'is mam knew 'im 'Ad aversion to t'flies an' to th'heat, So he give up wi' Mesopotamia An' come north, it were more up 'is street. He didn't think much o' t'Germaniums Or t'Gauls in what's now known as France, But once he set foot in Britannica I s'pect it were love at fost glance. He stayed for a bit in Londinium, But 'e soon got to feelin' downcast, He remembered that rough lot th'iceni An' t'bother they'd give 'im in t'past. He set off up north wi' 'is army An' they soon felt a lot more at ease Wi' t'greenness o' lancashires 'illsides An' th'aroma o' fresh mushy peas. He thowt it were t'garden of Eden. An' Adie began to explore. The dampness were good for 'is asthma, But 'is armour were soon rusted o'er. To t'coast he now med 'is way westward An' 'is fost glance o' t'wild Irish sea, After 'alf an 'our paddlin' an' playin' on t'sands He popped into Blackpoo' for tea. When they'd 'ad pomme de terre fried i' drippin' An' a cod that were t'size of a whale Adie sez to some cohorts in th'army, ''Owz abaht tryin' out t'local ale?' Adies men thowt 'is idea splendid An' so piled in a pub where therein, Loads o' folk were all singin' an' swearin' In an accent that didn't fit in. When Adie fanged 'old of t'landlady An' asked who this rowdy lot were? He were towd they were Scots from the northland 'You can tell wi' their kilts an' red 'air.' Adie asked if the north men were fierce An' what they were like in a feight? The landlady laffed, 'If you want to find out Come back 'ere durin' Glasgow fortneight!' As t'Romans trooped back to their lodgin's A plan grew in 'adrians mind, He'd build a great wall from t'west o'er to th'east That'd keep all that rough lot behind. When he got up next mornin' he started To recruit all the folk he would need, For t'designin an' planning an' buildin', So 'is dream of a wall could succeed. Aulos Platorious Nepos, Were t'chap put in charge o' the men, Who'd chase out the Scots an' put up 'is wall So they couldn't get back in again. Owd Nepos jumped into 'is chariot An' straightway shot off up th'M6, Takin' George a surveyor fray Bispham, Some string an' a bundle o' sticks. Nepos soon got to Bowness on Solway, He'd reckoned t'best place t'begin 'I'll be usin' this twine to mark a straight line An' you, George, can 'ommer t'sticks in!' It took 'em a bit but they med it Pitchin'up outside Wallsend on Tyne. Which were lucky cos George only 'ad two sticks left An' Nepos just six foot o' twine. Soon as t'location were sorted, An' construction abaht to begin. Emperor 'adie popped up to t'site Insertin' 'is two penn'orth in. In addition to t'wall Adie wanted Some forts and milecastles as well. Wi' a double earth mound called a Vellum As insurance, case parts o' t'wall fell. Nepos said, 'I will get thi wall finished, On t'date that the emperor craves. An' he sent out a legion o' sowjers To round up some Geordies for slaves. When complete the magnificent 'adrians wall Stood 20 foot high end to end. On t'whitewashed side stood dear old England, On t'other side t'Scots were all penned. Adies wall were a sign of oppression, An' attacks on its fabric soon made, Not by Picts, but by Blackpoo' landladies, Cos o' t'damage it did to their trade!
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