ETHEL AN' CHARLIE AN' PEG AN' 'ER FRED
by
Stan Brown & Gary Hogg

Now the Sidebottoms, Ethel an' Charlie
Lived just at the end of our street
Right clever an' posh the pair of 'em were
Wore shoes an' not clogs on their feet

'E'd got a good job 'ad their Charlie,
Jus' sat sittin' down at a desk
While Ethel 'is wife she didn't do much
Jus' made sure 'e'd got on a clean vest

She didn't even do that if the truth's t' be told
She didn't do bugger all, lazy mare
'Cept making sure that she spent Charlie's wages
An' drivin' t' poor lad t' despair

They'd a woman for t' washin' an' th'ironin'
An' another for blackin' the grate
An' one that came in t' polish an' dust
An' maybe jus' peel the odd grape

Now Charlie weren't allowed in the parlour
She sez he might muck the place up
He'd the 'all an' the landin', the bog and 'is bed
An' the kitchen if he 'ad to wash up"

When 'e told me, I sez "Yer kiddin'?"
"No, she's a right fussy bugger," 'e said
"Why only las' week she 'ad me wipin' me feet,
Without socks before I got into bed"

"I wouldn't mind it," 'e said, "if she worked 'ard 'erself,
But she just sits there like, all 'igh an' mighty,
Spread out on t' settee with a big box o' chocs,
An' there's some days she's still in her nightie”

Now there's only so much that Charlie could stand
An' a bright idea it come into 'is 'ead
So now he's hardly in there t' dirty the place
Cos 'e went out and bought 'im a shed

'E's put it right at the far end o' garden
Backin' on t' the folks o'er t'back
An' 'e's up there most nights with 'is slippers and pipe
The wireless, a flask an' a snack

Now you might think it's co-incidental
But Peg o'er' t' back's in't same boat
If she ever sets foot in 'er parlour
'er Fred nearly goes for 'er throat

Cos 'e's sat in peaked cap with a whistle
An' 'is train-set's laid out on the floor
So she 'as to sit in t' back kitchen
An' pass 'is dinner through an 'atch in the door

So one day when she was 'anging out t' washing
She saw Charlie out paintin' 'is shed
An' the two of em just sort o' got talkin'
An' she told 'im about 'er 'usband, Fred

So 'e let on to 'er about Ethel, n'that
They'd so much in common, they 'ad
That they talked for an 'our, it might've been three
She thought Charlie were such a nice lad

An' Charlie thought she was a bit of allright
An' 'e invited 'er in for a brew
She said. "Eeh, this is right nice an' cosy"
So she went out and bought a shed too

Now there's two sheds back-to-back stood there 'elpin'
T' restore Charlie and Peg's self-esteem
It's where Peg takes 'er knittin' an' Charlie sits sittin'
Quite innocent or so it might seem

But there's a connecting door o' which folks don't know
An' now Charlie and Peg are an item.
Sat there every night cuddling up nice an' tight
While Fred plays trains ad-infinitum

An' While Ethel, oblivious, sits with 'er Milk Tray
Indulging 'er unsociable 'abits
'Er Charlie an' Peg are up in their sheds
An' the two of 'em are at it like rabbits!