ALBERT GOES TO HEAVEN
by
Christopher Moore

Now you've heard the story of young Albert,
and the lion that swallowed him up in the zoo,
well that wasn't the end of the story,
'cos young Albert survived - and pulled through.

'e grew up and then 'e got married,
and with wife 'e had sons of his own,
and 'e settled down with the family,
(though to adventures, he was still prone).

Well the years went by for young Albert,
as older and older he got,
till finally old age did to him,
the thing that the lion did not.

So Grim Reaper arrived for Old Albert,
And Albert were ready to go,
"Is it up or is it down" asked Old Albert,
"I think it's as well that I know".

Grim Reaper said that's for St Peter
To judge and decide and to tell,
For he's the chief accountant,
Who weighs up for heaven or hell.

The arrived at the gates white and pearly,
And the reaper said "Just go on thru,
The man with the white beard's the one that you want,
He'll let you know what to do."

So Old Albert set off for St. Peter,
Hoping as he'd not be too cross,
About some of Albert's adventures,
And squeal on him to the boss.

Now there was some little thing about Albert,
Reminded St Peter of 'is youth,
And so by the Grace of the Guv'ner,
He decided to soften the truth.

'Sides when he thought close about it,
Though much mischief Albert had done,
He'd never intended no harm,
To lions, (or people) to come.

So it was that they both walked into Heaven,
Wearing white robes and some sandles,
St Peter and a young lad they called Albert,
Both with sticks, with 'orses 'ead 'andles.