Good morning and thank you for calling,
Your friendly and helpful G.P.,
Were're terribly busy, and all in a tizzy,
I'm sorry that nobody's free.

I hope you won't think this apalling,
But patience is good for the soul,
So were're making you wait, to increase your heartrate,
And send your blood pressure out of control.

Please hold and we'll play you a theme tune,
By Mozart, Vivaldi or Brahams,
But when you're on hold, and you've got a bad cold,
Even Beethoven loses his charms.

I'm sorry for keeping you waiting,
I'm sorry for wasting your life,
We're usually quite quick, but Julie's off sick,
And one doctor has just split with his wife.

Perhaps you might know the extension,
Of the doctor with whom you should speak,
Well probably not, it's quite along shot,
As we changed all the numbers last week.

We know that our practice isn't perfect,
But we try to respond when you're ill,
With an increase in neurosis, try self diagnosis,
Press 0 if you just want a pill.

Press 1 if you've got influenza,
Press 2 if you've broken a bone,
For diarrhoea press 3, then depress the hash key,
And enter your post code after the tone.

Perhaps you just want contraceptives,
By courier straight to your door,
Bile pills for your liver, we'll gladly deliver,
For headache or earache press 4.

I hope this won't cause hypertension,
Press 5 if you start to feel faint,
And if you feel worse, press 6 for a nurse,
Press 7 for a gastric complaint.

If you're suffering from constipation,
And you're feeling a pain and distress,
Please don't delay, just act straight away,
8 is the number to press.

I hope that you won't be offended,
When the queue you are held in gets stuck,
So, if you're still there, press 999 for despair,
For all other queries, tough luck.