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| SIR WALTER RALEIGH (or how to stop smoking) by Gordon Kerr-Smith  I'll tell you an old Tudor Story, A bit diff'rent from what you'll 'ave read; Of 'ow Queen Elizabeth got quite a shock, Which cost Walter Raleigh 'is 'ead. It 'appened like this; young Sir Walter, On 'is travels, of luck 'ad a stroke, When 'e brought back tobacco from t'U.S. of A., And taught everyone 'ow to smoke. This brought 'im immediate fortune, For once folk 'ad sampled a fag They was 'ooked straight away on the 'abit, And 'ad to keep 'avin' a drag! From t' Royalties that 'e were gettin', Walter bought the most ornate attire, Which made other courtiers jealous — They kept askin' 'im, "Where was t' fire?" 'E quickly became the Queen's Fav'rit, And angered the bold Francis Drake When 'e gave t' Queen a cigarette 'older Made of silver, to smoke 'er Gold Flake. For a while all went well for Sir Walter, 'Is riches continued to grow, And 'e ordered a posh cape of ermine So 'e really could put on a show. On the day t' tailor 'ad the cape ready, Walter donned it and felt a right toff. 'e paraded it round at the Palace, Where they booed 'im for bein' a show-off! But Walter just laughed at these comments, And carried on struttin' around, Till 'e noticed that t' Queen, who were passin' Would step in a puddle on t' ground. Not 'esitatin' for a moment, 'e whipped off 'is cape like a flash, And spread it out over the puddle, Bowin' low with a great deal of dash. 'e reckoned this act would bring favour, And t' Queen would be proper impressed, So she might even give 'im a Dukedom, Which'd be one in the eye for t' rest! With a smile, t' Queen stepped on the garment, Then let out a loud shriek of fright As she vanished down great open man-'ole, That t' puddle 'ad 'idden from sight!  By t' time she were rescued, all drippin', And not smellin' much like a flower, She were not a bit keen on Sir Walter, And packed 'im straight off to the Tower. For years Walter pleaded for Justice, Sayin' Drake must 'ave moved man-'ole lid; But Drake said 'e knew nowt about it, Which wasn't quite true, 'cos 'e did! Through gettin' this 'orrible soakin', Queen Bess was took poorly, and died; But James, the new King, hated smoking, And wouldn't let Walter outside. Due to protests from t' League of Non-Smokers, Who said smokin' made people cough, King James were persuaded to pro-nounce That poor Walter's 'ead should come off.  As they led 'im to t' Block that last mornin', 'e were offered a last cigarette, But 'e said, "No, I'm tryin' to stop smokin', And happen I'll manage it yet!" |
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